A rising number of people who were abused by their parents as children are now struggling to care for them in their old age and hiring third parties to organize their nursing care—and even funerals.

Life, Medical, Nursing (LMN), a Tokyo-based general incorporated association, is one such service.

It was founded in 2016 to support elderly people without living relatives. However, in recent years, around 80 percent of LMN’s clients don’t want to take care of parents they have incredibly toxic relationships with—or are trying to cut the ties entirely.

A TOXIC TRAP

“My parents were people who crushed the dreams and lives of their children,” a 50-year-old Tokyo woman said frankly.

She signed a contract with LMN a year and a half ago because she didn’t want to be a guarantor for her father.

Although she had excelled academically, the woman’s parents would not allow her to pursue further education after high school, instead telling her to get a job.

She started working when she was 18 and wanted to leave home as soon as possible. However, it proved to be financially difficult, and her relationship with her parents became further strained.

When she was 32, her mother suffered a stroke.

Realizing that she could become trapped by caregiving for the rest of her life, the woman left home before her mother was released from the rehabilitation hospital.

Her younger sister, who was in her 20s at the time, became their mother’s caregiver.

When her sister hinted that she wanted to marry, their mother yelled at her for thinking of “abandoning her.”

While the woman gave advice to her sister, she severed all contact with her parents and never returned home.

After their mother died five years ago, their father, who was then living alone, was admitted to a nursing home. Her sister refused to be their father’s guarantor because of work commitments, so the woman took up the role.

However, she grew sick of handling procedures and paperwork for a man she detested. Searching the internet for “toxic parents caregiving,” she learned about LMN.

“I felt greatly relieved that I didn’t need to take it all on myself. I had a place I could ask for advice,” she said.

Her father passed away in January this year.

SEVERING TIES

LMN offers consultations for victims of “toxic parents” on its website, and receives between 60 and 100 inquiries a month, according to head director Hideki Endo, 57.

Once contracted, LMN supports the parent’s daily needs with tasks such as caregiving, shopping and cleaning. The organization also provides its number as an emergency contact, responds to calls from hospitals and even organizes funerals and the internment of ashes.

LMN charges an initial fee of 550,000 yen ($3,700), which covers the registration fee, consulting services and other expenses. Clients also pay 13,500 yen each time they use its services.

On average, clients contract the service for two to three years and often pay around 1 million yen in total.

Why are they willing to pay these hefty fees to provide end-of-life care for parents they don’t want anything to do with?

Endo cites two reasons: One is that the clients may still have feelings for their parents even though their relationships are irreparably damaged. The other is that clients may be afraid of what their parents will do if ignored.

But according to Endo, most of the parents, even those who have extremely toxic relationships with their children, are rational people.

Generally, the head director tells the parents that LMN is providing services on behalf of their children. Most will accept the intervention of the third party, despite wondering why their children refuse to see them.

“The parents are also aware that they are being shunned,” Endo said. “As I get to know how they feel about each other, I can see how painful it must be for both of them.”

FRAUGHT PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

Endo started this business because of his troubled journey caring for his own parents.

After taking care of his mother until her death about 20 years ago, he had disagreements with his father and cut off contact with him.

He always had mixed feelings about his father, and the two didn’t get along well.

But when his father was diagnosed with terminal cancer, Endo had no choice but to become his father’s sole caretaker. He tended to his father’s every need, from changing his diapers to cleaning his dentures.

His father often hurled venomous abuse while delirious from morphine, to which Endo says he shouted back “Go die!” more than once.

“Looking back now, I know he was just helpless and wanted attention from his caretaker,” Endo recalled. “But at the time, I was angry and hurt.”

Endo later founded LMN, thinking that it would make caregivers feel better if there was someone to tell them that their charges meant no harm.

Still, he never expected such a high demand from people struggling with their own parents.

GETTING HELP

Many of the requests that LMN receives are from people in their 40s and 50s with baby boomer parents.

Previously, around 80 percent of the requests came from women, but requests from men have increased sharply in the past six months and now make up half the total.

The clients have various reasons for wanting to distance themselves from their parents, the most common being “educational abuse.”

Endo said that in many cases, the children experienced intense educational pressure, excessive discipline, verbal abuse or other hardships that drove them away from their families.

Many clients don’t return calls or emails from their parents, or even reveal their addresses. However, the parents often still expect their children to take care of them as they age.

Instead, the clients ask LMN to step in.

“This is a kind of business that shouldn’t exist. But the social background and environment have changed dramatically over the last 10 years,” Endo said. “Now I think it’s OK to get help from third parties if you’re having a hard time.”